are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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