I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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