Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
