On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
