just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
