Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Randomize
