HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
