Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
porn star boner night. come get it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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