My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
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