Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
