I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize