By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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