We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
