you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
