Dude my mom stole all your condoms
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
