I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
