Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
