I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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