well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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