The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
