i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
