I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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