he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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