So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
