The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
