The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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