oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I want her autograph on my taint
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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