So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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