i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
