Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Sorry about my life...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
