a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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