if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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