She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
