thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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