I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i think i have herpe
just one?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
