i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
