I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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