I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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