I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
