Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
