Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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