Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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