All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
