Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I cut my penus on the lid.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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