11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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