There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
