My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
