apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
