you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
