Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
