I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
