So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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