i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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