Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
