The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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