i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
