P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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